“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
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To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral