“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.

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Driving around picking up hitchhikers until I find one that’s feeling murdery.


M: MOMMMM, where are the scissors? I just bought a new pair!

Edward Scissorhands: You mean these?

M: Yesss! Could you just stop stealing my scissors every time you break a nail?!


Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.


Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me

Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true


Robocop’s guns malfunction.

Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.

Robocop loses his home.



Grilled cheese is just regular cheese that’s been forced to account for its whereabouts last night between 9:30 and 11.


People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”


I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.


ME: I can’t find my sandals

WIFE: did you look everywhere?

ME: yes

WIFE: even down

ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on