“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.

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My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.


My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”

Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”


Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.


There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.


*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.


*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*



[on a farm]

Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do that

Farmer: Go ahead!

Me: *stands next to a bucket*


Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.


I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?


her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what