@sixfootcandy

“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.

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@FuckabillyRex

Driving around picking up hitchhikers until I find one that’s feeling murdery.

@JustDontBugMe

M: MOMMMM, where are the scissors? I just bought a new pair!

Edward Scissorhands: You mean these?

M: Yesss! Could you just stop stealing my scissors every time you break a nail?!

@ddsmidt

Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.

@AbbieEvansXO

Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me

Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true

@NotThatKunal

Robocop’s guns malfunction.

Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.

Robocop loses his home.

Hobocop.

@Vodkantots

Grilled cheese is just regular cheese that’s been forced to account for its whereabouts last night between 9:30 and 11.

@JohnsonDiaz21

People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”

@JKNenagh

I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.

@KalvinMacleod

ME: I can’t find my sandals

WIFE: did you look everywhere?

ME: yes

WIFE: even down

ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on