“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
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I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.