“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
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Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
let’s discuss
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
i want the dreams to chase me for once
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there