“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”

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Where’s my cell?

“Right there.”

That’s not my phone.

“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”

My cell’s white?


[spider party]

black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here


*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*


If Amazon had a dating app:

You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in


DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era

ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*


Wife: Can you phone the school to see if it’s open?
Me: I’ll go there and ask
Wife: It’s ten minutes away
Me: I enjoy the walk
Wife: It’s SNOWING
Me: I will literally do anything to avoid making a phone call


Dream home requirements: 1.) a secret passage behind a bookcase 2.) the thing that will kill me lives just beyond the tree line.


3yr old: [whispering] I have a secret

“What it is, sweetie?”

3: [shouting] I POOPED!

“Do you know what a secret is?”

3: [whispering] no.


Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.