Where’s my cell?
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
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black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Wife: Can you phone the school to see if it’s open?
Me: I’ll go there and ask
Wife: It’s ten minutes away
Me: I enjoy the walk
Wife: It’s SNOWING
Me: I will literally do anything to avoid making a phone call
Dream home requirements: 1.) a secret passage behind a bookcase 2.) the thing that will kill me lives just beyond the tree line.
3yr old: [whispering] I have a secret
“What it is, sweetie?”
3: [shouting] I POOPED!
“Do you know what a secret is?”
3: [whispering] no.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.