“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
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“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
somewhere, in an alternate universe
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Simple enough.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink