I love you guys with all my ass. I would say heart, but my ass is bigger.

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The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.

I need bail money.


INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.


assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?


Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”


So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.


Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows


Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.

I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.


doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test

me: did i pass? haha

doctor: no but you will very soon


*writes “with my squad” under a picture of me and several cats”