@The_Sculptress

I love you guys with all my ass. I would say heart, but my ass is bigger.

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@PrettyInCamo11

The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.

I need bail money.

@JB4Realz

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.

@soyourelikethat

assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?

@Jordan_Morris

Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”

@Justsydnyc

So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.

@bopinklady

Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows

@numeri33

Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.

I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.

@Mostly_Cheese

doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test

me: did i pass? haha

doctor: no but you will very soon

@NicestHippo

*writes “with my squad” under a picture of me and several cats”