To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
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Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
i actually laughed 😩
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.