“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
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Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up