I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
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SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.