@wildethingy

I love you just the way you are.

Though I do have a few suggestions.

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@dom_dot_dom

A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless

@mela_shea

My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.

@Tmoney68

I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.

@Kyle_Lippert

Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.

@Brampersandon_

[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*

@pstamato

[7:30pm]
Tonight I’ll actually go to bed on time and get sleep!

[2:30am]
the most money ever paid for a cow at an auction was $1.3 million

@Cheeseboy22

Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”

@Midgetspar

It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.

@TheAlexNevil

You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!

@Kateness8

what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy