I love you just the way you are.

Though I do have a few suggestions.

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My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.


I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.


Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.


“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*


Tonight I’ll actually go to bed on time and get sleep!

the most money ever paid for a cow at an auction was $1.3 million


Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”


It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.


You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!


what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy