-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
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I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
how was your vacation
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
technically true but not a great slogan
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason