I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
You Might Also Like
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Brother?
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.