I love you to the refrigerator and back
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As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.
Something in my kitchen is beeping quietly 3 times every minute. I can’t find it and it’s driving me crazy. My husband wouldn’t even hear it with his hearing aids in. I’ve never been more jealous of hearing loss.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Born to be mild.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there