I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
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I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s