I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
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One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
*walks in on home intruder
“omg please don’t look at the dust!”
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Dr Seuss: *grabs mic
Everyone Else: *quits
Me: dear god. Please destroy ICE and Amazon
God: yo I gotchu
God: *melts ice caps and starts burning the rainforest*
Me: wait no
Flight Attendant: u are sitting in an exit row. do u agree to assist in the event of an emergency
Guy behind me: I gotta go to the bathroom it’s an emergency
Me wearing a neck pillow: [eyes open]
One day I bet bullets will be replaced by flowers, and guns will probably be replaced by something that fires flowers with deadly force.