@MomofTeen

I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.

That.

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@ericsshadow

I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”

@13spencer

One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.

@AmnesiaRose

*walks in on home intruder

“omg please don’t look at the dust!”

@JessObsess

I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.

@baronvonbike

I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.

@Just__J0

“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.

@ThaJawn

(rap battle)

Dr Seuss: *grabs mic

Everyone Else: *quits

@theconradical

Me: dear god. Please destroy ICE and Amazon

God: yo I gotchu

God: *melts ice caps and starts burning the rainforest*

Me: wait no

@jazz_inmypants

Flight Attendant: u are sitting in an exit row. do u agree to assist in the event of an emergency

Me: yes

[later]

Guy behind me: I gotta go to the bathroom it’s an emergency

Me wearing a neck pillow: [eyes open]

@BatmanOffDuty

One day I bet bullets will be replaced by flowers, and guns will probably be replaced by something that fires flowers with deadly force.