I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
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I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Your honor these allegations are
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
peak technology
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.