[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
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Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Son: mom, spell ICUP
Me: I C U P
Son: *giggles* I see you pee
Me: well yes you all have BECAUSE NO ONE LEAVES ME ALONE – EVEN WHEN I’M IN THE BATHROOM
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
I killed a man once, because killing him twice is a physical impossibility.
Me: Do you have any mini-ipods in stock? Guy: what color? Me: Any color. Guy: We don’t have any. You Sir, have achieved stupid greatness.
Oh, elderly neighbor: You defeated Hitler, yet you somehow can’t figure out the car alarm?
Convince new friends into thinking you’re a doctor by turning off taps with your elbows