“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
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My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!