“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
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I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.