I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
You Might Also Like
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Weirdly Wednesday.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms