I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
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[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Thursday
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too