@JenAshleyWright

I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.

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@TweetsByKaylee

jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs

peter: w-what

jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now

john: are you ok

peter: jesus you seem a little… off

jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year

@fillthevacuum

*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*

*skinny dips to be on the safe side*

@AllanForsyth

I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.

@callmeEvian

Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-

Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-

Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.

@beerknitter73

Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.

46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.

@Home_Halfway

Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.

@GuyThe_Guy

So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?

@bartandsoul

A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town