@TweetsByKaylee
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
@fillthevacuum
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
@AksharPathak
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
@AllanForsyth
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
@callmeEvian
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
@beerknitter73
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
@Home_Halfway
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
@GuyThe_Guy
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
@causticbob
sleeping beauty
@bartandsoul
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
@JenAshleyWright