@JenAshleyWright
@Artemis_Ascends
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
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@Artemis_Ascends
@Mr_Kapowski
“Will you marry me?”
“The cookie was poison”
“The lotto numbers will never win”
Examples of why I got fired from writing fortune cookies
@ShortSleeveSuit
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
@AnnaKei26
According to the New England Journal of Medicine, the blood alcohol level is to be measured in Lohans now
@TheCiscoKidder
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
@Kneevyl
If it weren’t for dating sites, I’d still have some self-esteem. Thank God, it’s all gone now.
@StevieKnip
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
@crylenol
*Jesus emerges from tomb*
Wow was that 3 days? Holy cow. I was marathoning The Wire. You guys seen this?
@ilovepie84
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
@AnExocticBeach
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now