Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
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The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”n”What makes you so sure?”n”He is a penguin.”
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
I sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month on eBay.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
If people knew just how many fake arguments I win when I’m in the car by myself, they would think twice before ever picking a fight with me.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror*
*returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
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