@JenAshleyWright
@david8hughes
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
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@david8hughes
@3BlindMike
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
@shariv67
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”n”What makes you so sure?”n”He is a penguin.”
@Rollmaninoz
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
@i_zzzzzz
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
@Faptually
I sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month on eBay.
@diaruba74
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
@sarahclazarus
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
@thatUPSdude
If people knew just how many fake arguments I win when I’m in the car by myself, they would think twice before ever picking a fight with me.
@stuckinaportal
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
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