Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
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“Will you marry me?”
“The cookie was poison”
“The lotto numbers will never win”
Examples of why I got fired from writing fortune cookies
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
According to the New England Journal of Medicine, the blood alcohol level is to be measured in Lohans now
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
If it weren’t for dating sites, I’d still have some self-esteem. Thank God, it’s all gone now.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
*Jesus emerges from tomb*
Wow was that 3 days? Holy cow. I was marathoning The Wire. You guys seen this?
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now