I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
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maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Super Hand Dog Face
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
These aliens are taking forever.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.