Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
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Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.