@mollzbenn

I made a grocery list last night when I was drunk and it just says “healthy stuff,” “looob,” and “you don’t own me.”

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@Coolisiana

GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”

@Mr_Kapowski

*eating before going in Costco*
“Now I won’t overeat samples*

[5 mins later]

*slams cup down*
“Hit me again”

“Sir, that was motor oil”

@Coastiefish

You think God hates crosses?

If my kid died on a roller coaster, then everyone started wearing roller coaster necklaces, I’d be pissed.

@JustMeTurtle

My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.

@tillygirl3

All the Pringle ladies
All the Pringle ladies
All the Pringle ladies
All the Pringle ladies

Get their hands stuck

@roxiqt

ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches

ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke

@mrtimlong

It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge

@gruffybeard

Damn girl, are you the Sunday crossword because I want to spend all day doing you…

@Home_Halfway

Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone

@5hael

I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!

It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.