I made a grocery list last night when I was drunk and it just says “healthy stuff,” “looob,” and “you don’t own me.”

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GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”


*eating before going in Costco*
“Now I won’t overeat samples*

[5 mins later]

*slams cup down*
“Hit me again”

“Sir, that was motor oil”


You think God hates crosses?

If my kid died on a roller coaster, then everyone started wearing roller coaster necklaces, I’d be pissed.


My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.


All the Pringle ladies
All the Pringle ladies
All the Pringle ladies
All the Pringle ladies

Get their hands stuck


ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches

ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke


It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge


Damn girl, are you the Sunday crossword because I want to spend all day doing you…


Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone


I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!

It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.