I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
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“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
[on my way back to the posting caves]
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you