I made a grown man cry today in court.

But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.

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My boyfriend said he had a Catwoman fantasy. I must have misunderstood because we both wore leather cat suits to bed last night.



[looks at text from 2 days ago]

Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?


MUGGER: Give me your money

ME: Stay back, I have mice

MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace

*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*


Me: I want a snack.

Husband: You could have veggies.

Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.


yikes. don’t google “cream pies”, google “cream pie recipes”


I don’t get why they put those stickers on fruit and vegetables

They taste like shit


That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp and kill a cat.


The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi