My boyfriend said he had a Catwoman fantasy. I must have misunderstood because we both wore leather cat suits to bed last night.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
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[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
yikes. don’t google “cream pies”, google “cream pie recipes”
I don’t get why they put those stickers on fruit and vegetables
They taste like shit
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp and kill a cat.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi