@Parkerlawyer

I made a grown man cry today in court.

But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.

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@shiksaaa

My boyfriend said he had a Catwoman fantasy. I must have misunderstood because we both wore leather cat suits to bed last night.

Awkward.

@therichards5

[looks at text from 2 days ago]

Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?

@ArfMeasures

MUGGER: Give me your money

ME: Stay back, I have mice

MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace

*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*

@TheNYAMProject

Me: I want a snack.

Husband: You could have veggies.

Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.

@chrissyteigen

yikes. don’t google “cream pies”, google “cream pie recipes”

@1MeLrO

I don’t get why they put those stickers on fruit and vegetables

They taste like shit

@efasheefaa

That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp and kill a cat.

@toastymoe

The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi