I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
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Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Meow
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
*exercises sarcastically*
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?