I’ve been waking up with a headache for years
Unfortunately I’m married to it.
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“Do you swear to tell the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?”
*GF from the back* DO THESE PANTS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
somebody come look at this
If you want to drink and drive you better bring enough for the whole highway.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Ever accidentally say ‘I love you’ to important business customers on the phone? Me too. I MEAN ME NEITHER.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.