@katebarstool

I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.

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@myboots111

I’ve been waking up with a headache for years

Unfortunately I’m married to it.

@thatdutchperson

[Court]

“Do you swear to tell the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?”

Me: yes.

*GF from the back* DO THESE PANTS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?

@LuvPug

We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.

@_IHateEvery0ne

I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.

@j0eg0d

If you want to drink and drive you better bring enough for the whole highway.

@truegritrumble

WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.

@jimmy_sharpe

Ever accidentally say ‘I love you’ to important business customers on the phone? Me too. I MEAN ME NEITHER.

@3sunzzz

My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.

@Reverend_Scott

Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.