I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
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My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you