I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
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Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
can’t believe I got front row seats
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
He wanted to make sure😂
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.