I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
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I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.