*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
You Might Also Like
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain