Anyone know how to fix a guardian angel, I think mine is broken.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
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Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*