@HenpeckedHal

I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!

Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?

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@3Snowbee3

Anyone know how to fix a guardian angel, I think mine is broken.

@koalaslament

Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.

@AtmanThakrar

I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?

@chimneyspotter

What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”

@Reverend_Scott

“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”

It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.

@PS_IRuddYou

Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…

That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…