Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
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Waiter: Do you have any questions about the menu?
Me: Did you laminate these yourself?
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
What do people who announce their own birthday on here want from us
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
*petting a dog*
So how long have you been blind, officer?
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.