DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
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The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.