@XplodingUnicorn

I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch

It took her 3 hours

She was so excited to be done

Then I served dinner.

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@WorkingMom86

Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay

*goes to bed

@NapVeg

when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it

@TheHyyyype

[brainstorming movie scripts]

WRITER: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-

STEPHEN KING: what if it’s an evil dress

@KieranSoFar

me: I’m going to kill the moon

dude: the moon is flat

me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners

@dafloydsta

HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.

*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*

ME: I also have big news.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.

@JohnLyonTweets

Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.

Me: This isn’t going to work out.

@Shenaniglenns

Her: what’s your favorite position

Me: devil’s advocate

Her: i meant sexual position

Me: but what if you didn’t

@Darlainky

This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.