I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
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Mission: Impossible
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
seems like a niche market
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children