I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
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Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
*goes to bed
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
[brainstorming movie scripts]
WRITER: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
STEPHEN KING: what if it’s an evil dress
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.