Contrary to popular belief, tigers do not holler if you catch them by the toe. Also, could someone call an ambulance?
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
You Might Also Like
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Did you know that the new iPhone 5 helps people lose weight? When you pay for it you can’t afford to eat for a month.
My neighbor and I accidentally made eye contact today when she caught me making a sandwich in her kitchen