I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
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Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
two people or more is called a problem
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Dance like you’re not the father
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing