
When the sun explodes you will have eight minutes before the world ends. In a related story, you might want to order dessert now.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
When the sun explodes you will have eight minutes before the world ends. In a related story, you might want to order dessert now.
The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you’re having a velociraptor.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
I like how people say pets love you unconditionally like if you didn’t feed them and someone else did they wouldn’t go to them immediately.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*