@MaryJustice86

I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”

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@TheTweetOfGod

When the sun explodes you will have eight minutes before the world ends. In a related story, you might want to order dessert now.

@TheMichaelRock

The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you’re having a velociraptor.

@bobvulfov

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

@aveuaskew

Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.

@SortaBad

The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”

@Sarcasticsapien

I like how people say pets love you unconditionally like if you didn’t feed them and someone else did they wouldn’t go to them immediately.

@opiaticus

Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.

@jackiembouvier

My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.