I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
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It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds