I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way that I was going to let her take half of my Golden Girls Memorabilia collection.

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Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.


Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”

Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”


Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar


If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie


You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth


WARDEN: You have been sentenced to the Electric Cher
ME: in the what now
*a metallic voice sings out: ?? ??? ??????? ?? ???? ????? ????*


I finally saved up enough money to listen to my heart but it turns out that’s just a metaphor.

Anyway, I have stethoscope for sale.


I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT


online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”