I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
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Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice