“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
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A bold strategy
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
I found your tweet-up…
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”