I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!

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What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.


Yelp* now has jail reviews. (true)

Felon87: Try for Block C. Great ambient lighting, management is courteous & the risotto is ‘to die for’.


“A mind is a terrible thing to waste.”

A zombie trying to convince his son to finish his dinner.


I saw a picture of myself on a milk carton once but my new family was rich so I kept my mouth shut.


i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it


I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.


*Shakespeare resetting his password*

“Enter new password.”


“Your password is two weeks.”


Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?


My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.