I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
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Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
My pistol only holds 9 bullets, so when I lose my shit I only get to kill 9 people or one cat.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”