I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
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A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.