@Pork_Chop_Hair

I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!

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@rebrafsim

Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security

Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON

@captaincoximus

If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily

@GuyThe_Guy

My pistol only holds 9 bullets, so when I lose my shit I only get to kill 9 people or one cat.

@electrolemon

yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose

@WilliamAder

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

@alfageeek

Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.

@ramblinma

Me: I need to make better life choices.

Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.

@SardonicTart

*Vacuums for three minutes*

“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”