My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
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accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Geez man, take it easy.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls