@Not_Uncle_Hoot

I made the kids put sunglasses on the snowman so he wouldn’t have to make eye contact with the neighbors.

You Might Also Like

@markhoppus

Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.

@pena_core

I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol

@ThugRaccoons

[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]

Kids: Dad, what IS this place?

Me: I have absolutely no idea

@VerifiedDrunk

If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.

@capnmcfword

I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.

@ben_rosen

90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!

scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*

@ShawnHatosy

If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?

@ManvAlcohol

I’m just saying, if I were a bomb maker, I would make all the wires the same color.

@WheelTod

[Animal Shelter]

Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”

Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”

Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”