the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
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Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.