Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
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*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
The days of good grammer has went
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.