I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.

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Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.


Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.


I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.


My wife wants to have another kid. That’s like seeing light at the end of a tunnel and saying, “I think we better turn around.”


You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?


Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.


Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.


Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.


wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35


When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.