I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
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Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Him: Describe our relationship in two words
Me: Our what?
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
BANKER: okay, just checking
Surprise her for breakfast by wearing nothing but a giant pancake.
Not all heroes wear crepes.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
John Lennon: Imagine all the people
Me: Ok but this is extremely boring
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
me: [googling] lose weight
google: eat healthy and exercise
me: [googling again] lose weight NO salad NO running
My cat just told me to stop talking during the movie.
Maybe homemade psychedelics were a bad idea