@mom_ontherocks

I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.

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@Contwixt

Girl, are you an environmentalist?

‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.

@fro_vo

ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking

@Mechaniz10

Surprise her for breakfast by wearing nothing but a giant pancake.

Not all heroes wear crepes.

@bornmiserable

[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you

@senderblock23

John Lennon: Imagine all the people
Me: Ok but this is extremely boring

@tweetsbyrocket

me: [googling] lose weight

google: eat healthy and exercise

me: [googling again] lose weight NO salad NO running

@Ilovelamp1979

My cat just told me to stop talking during the movie.

Maybe homemade psychedelics were a bad idea