@isabelzawtun

I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too

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@WilliamAder

A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.

@Nikkeya08

Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player

Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor

Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison

@Dawn_M_

A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.

@babyblue0924

I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.

@AdamOfEarth

[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS

@WAYNES_O

When the mosquito landed on my face, it was one of the easier decisions of the day for my wife.

@SamDelanche

My boss just asked if I’m illiterate, which is offensive because I know exactly who my father is.

@chelliet22

Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.

@_ElvishPresley_

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

WAITER: is everything ok?

ME: could I get a spoon or something