I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too

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A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.


Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player

Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor

Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison


A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.


I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.


[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]


When the mosquito landed on my face, it was one of the easier decisions of the day for my wife.


My boss just asked if I’m illiterate, which is offensive because I know exactly who my father is.


Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.


[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

WAITER: is everything ok?

ME: could I get a spoon or something