Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
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people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
[at the library checking out a book]
[at the library sending a book a drink on me as I wink at it across the bar]
[at the library introducing myself to a book asking if it comes here often]
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
To the 11 year old girl on FB with the relationship status “it’s complicated”
How can it be complicated? Did he take your animal crackers?
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
What happens in Vegas stays on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, Vine, and medical records.