I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too

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My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”


I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.


[Blackstreet Bakery]

Me: [watching the baker kneading dough] “I love the way you work it”

Baker: “No diggity?”

Me: “Baguette up.”


Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?

*goes home*

Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.


[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]

boss: can you cook nights

a dragon: yes


Taking a nap now. If you’re tempted to wake me, please remember Jurassic Park. Just because we can do it, doesn’t always mean we should.


Rules for being a good neighbor:
2. Don’t forget rule number one.


dumbledore: we need u to hand deliver the letter to harry

hagrid: why don’t u just make one magically appear into his hands

dumbledore: do i look like a wizard