My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
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I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Me: [watching the baker kneading dough] “I love the way you work it”
Baker: “No diggity?”
Me: “Baguette up.”
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Taking a nap now. If you’re tempted to wake me, please remember Jurassic Park. Just because we can do it, doesn’t always mean we should.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
dumbledore: we need u to hand deliver the letter to harry
hagrid: why don’t u just make one magically appear into his hands
dumbledore: do i look like a wizard
*slips into milk bath* *starts drinking*
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*sleeps 9 more minutes