A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
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I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Oops
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Sign of the day..
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.