I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
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I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago