@mejustbeth

I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.

I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.

- @mejustbeth

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@Token_Geezer

Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers

@FrazzleMyGimp

[zombie apocalypse]

SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it

ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead

@INDlAN_

Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.

@mattwhitlockPM

This girl tweeted “You might be ghetto if you bring outside food into the movies.” …No, you might be stupid if you pay 4.99 for Skittles.

@Cyd10e

My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.

@salamingia

*Pays $450 for ticket to hockey game.

*spends the whole game on iPhone.

@VeganZebra

[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has

@John_M15

Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.