I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
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if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
real
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?