@BruceForce

I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me

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@MikeCanRant

Dont trust any kids asking for bread this Halloween. Theyre more than likely just ducks dressed up as kids. I wont fall for that again.

@WakeVII

OMG you guys! Almost hit a jogger while i was taking a selfie and driving today…so please you guys, be careful, do NOT jog.

@SteveSuckington

Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”

Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”

@howe007

Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.

@Bob_Janke

If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.

@QwertyJones3

My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.

@ashleyaustrew

If you love someone, set them free. If they cry and refuse to leave the bathroom you’re in, they’re your kids.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”

Job interviewer: Three references is fine.