I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me

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Dont trust any kids asking for bread this Halloween. Theyre more than likely just ducks dressed up as kids. I wont fall for that again.


OMG you guys! Almost hit a jogger while i was taking a selfie and driving today…so please you guys, be careful, do NOT jog.


Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”

Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”


Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.


If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.


My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.


If you love someone, set them free. If they cry and refuse to leave the bathroom you’re in, they’re your kids.


“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”

Job interviewer: Three references is fine.