Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
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Aliens: “Take us to your leader”
“Look we’ve made some mistakes”
“It’s been a weird year, half of us are morons”
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Nothing screams passive agressive quite like letting your spouse sleep in, while also letting the kids play loudly outside the bedroom door
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
A surprisingly large amount of responsibility also comes with zero power.
Me: Dishonor on you! Dishonor on your family! Dishonor on your house!
Olive Garden server: Please stop! I’ll bring more cheese to grate!
According to this tray of lasagne, I’m a family of 4.