I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
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When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Are you ok, human???
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Customer is always right
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear