I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
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I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now