Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
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[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Aaaa…CHOO!
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.