I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
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I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?